


Means to be Human

by Not_A_Valid_Opinion



Series: Icarus knew how high he could fly and still, he went higher [3]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Gen, Loki is a cat, dirk finally gets that break he's been needing so bad, dirk is growing up, he's the only thor i know so, thor is not MC but also who cares think what you'd like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 16:21:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13034913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_A_Valid_Opinion/pseuds/Not_A_Valid_Opinion
Summary: Dirk attempts to reconnect with humanity in the aftermath of Blackwing, and in doing so, finds himself in the company of the God of Thunder.The universe is ironic like that.





	Means to be Human

**Author's Note:**

> I was reaaaaaaaaally goddamn sick while writing this, and I feel like that took a tole on the quality of this chapter. Five days I had to miss school for, and I spent nearly two weeks trying to make up for it. I was trying to make this lighter than the last two, to show that life has its ups and downs and Dirk is coming to his own. He's trying to find himself in a world he's been away from for so long, and in his attempt to rejoin human society, he meets a deity. Because that's just how it is in Dirk's life. Anyway, sorry if this chapter feels weird- I tried to fix it, but I feel like its still really dialogue heavy in an almost out-of-place kind of way. Enjoy anyway because the next chapter will be very Rowdy and hopefully much better.

Dirk had come to find that, while the universe had a nasty habit of dropping him off in the hands of cruelty, there were times when it pitied him, gave him a saving grace for however long it took Dirk to get back on his feet. 

These instances are rare, fleeting, and so,  _ so  _ appreciated. 

Dirk had a  _ job.  _

Not just a ‘the universe scarcely asks permission’ job, but an actual, proper,  _ money-paying _ job. It was at a small thrift store, run by two nice sisters and an older, hard-of-hearing man that Dirk had rather taken a liking to.

When he met Tristan and Martha, two very nice women, he was still wearing the frilly pink shirt that made Dirk feel guilty whenever he looked at it. An elderly woman had given him her purple and red coat one night while Dirk was shivering on a park bench, and Dirk wore it over the shirt, and this somehow made him feel worse. 

His hair had gotten rather long and matted, and Dirk found himself lacking the energy to push it out of his eyes. He suspected it made him look older than he was, seeing as most people averted their eyes when they spotted him. Dirk had seen an old homeless man outside of a fast food joint, around a month ago, asking people for money and shaking. Dirk had wanted to go up to him, to say something, help him, perhaps. He didn’t know what he wanted to do, what he  _ could  _ do, but he never got the chance to do it; the police showed up moments later and ordered the man to leave, manhandling him up and apologizing to the paying customers for the scene the man had caused. Dirk left, after that, and wanted to cry, though he knew he wouldn’t. 

He was wearing new shoes he’d found on the street, neither of which matched or fit, but he liked them better than his Blackwing shoes. 

_ I am Dirk,  _ he’d tell himself as he pulls his coat closer to him.  _ I am Dirk, and I am rather cold, and I’m not in Blackwing.  _

The two store-owning women had seen him, some months on the run, sleeping under a tree with a shivering dog who refused to leave his side for reasons Dirk would never understand. They approached him, asked him if they could, much to Dirk’s surprise, “pet his dog”. 

Dirk let them, but cautiously refused to take his eyes off them as they stroked Sadie, who looked enthralled by the attention. Dirk had already gotten Sadie’s owners killed; perhaps even Mona, too. He wouldn’t let anything happen to her, as long as she chose to come with Dirk, trusted him to take care of her. He wouldn’t let her down. 

“Have you got any place to sleep tonight, pal?” Asked one woman in a rugged voice, but her eyes were soft, and Dirk readjusted himself on the tree but did not respond.  

He’d talked to more people, now. He’s seen nice people. He knows they’re out there. 

He was scared, though. Mr. Priest hadn’t found him yet. Dirk knew what the man was capable of, knew what he was willing to do, both for sport and for pay. He should have found Dirk, by now. It must have been at least two months. It should have taken him less than a few days, Dirk knew. 

Perhaps he was hunting down the others? Dirk imagined if he got away, and he still doesn’t understand  _ how _ he got away, others did too. Maybe Priest thought they were more dangerous than him? 

_ They are,  _ Dirk’s mind helpfully supplied,  _ you’ve felt what Incubus can do.  _

“Your dog is very sweet,” Said the other woman, and her voice was much smoother, “What’s her name?” 

Dirk blinked away his thoughts, looked back to the dog, who was leaning into the woman’s touch. “Sadie,” He said before he could decide against it. 

The woman blinked, a soft look in her eye. The two women exchange glances for a moment, and it holds an emotion that hurts Dirk to think about. “Sadie,” She smiled, “Was our mother’s name. She… passed away, around a year ago.” 

“That sucks,” He said unhelpfully, and the woman stood up again. 

She had dark black hair with semi dark skin and bags under her eyes. Dirk noticed how her green jacket brought out her reflecting eyes. “It’s rather late out. We own a shop, a little ways from here. If you’d like, you could visit us, maybe sleep somewhere that isn’t under a birch. It’s just down that way,” she gesticulates, “the tiny white and red one, okay?” 

Dirk didn’t respond, just pushed his hair from his face and regarded the women. She smiled down at him, then headed off. 

“Bye, Sadie!” Said the lady still on the grass, who had more red hair with skin a lighter shade than her sister’s. She pet the dog again before getting up and walking off behind her sister. 

Sadie looked devastated at the sudden lack of rubs, watching the two ladies backs as they dissipated down the walking path. Dirk rolled his eyes, went to pat the dog’s head, but she shook him off. Her eyes never left the women until they had gone far enough; then her head whipped to him. Dirk crumbled under her gaze, knowing that he owed her- this tiny, sad brown dog- at the very least, the affection he couldn’t give her or himself. 

Disgruntled, he stood, and Sadie barked happily, running alongside him as they caught up with the women.    
They both stopped in their tracks, looked back at the sheepish boy with a coat too big for him and hair that hadn’t seen a brush in ages. He shuffled his feet, while Sadie glowed at them. 

“W-What is the. The  _ name,  _ of your shop, exactly?” He asked tentatively. 

The women smiled at him. 

Who knew it was this easy to get a job? 

 

Dirk decided he liked having money. 

Martha and Tristan were extremely generous, and allowed both him and Sadie to sleep in the breakroom at night. During the day, Dirk would work on stockage, cleaning and cash, and Sadie was more than welcome to wander the store to a surprising lack of complaints from the customers. 

The store manager, Charles, had technically been the one to hire him. He was a rather nice man, it seemed, but Dirk couldn’t communicate with him; the man was deaf, and talked in hands. Around a month into his job, ( _ his  _ job!) he’d asked Martha, who seemed the brighter of the two, if she could teach Dirk to speak ASL, and progress was going alright so far. 

He was enjoying himself. He got new, less unfortunate clothes that were cheap and slightly better fitting from the thrift store. He had a place to sleep, money to buy food to eat, and Sadie seemed to be enjoying her whole situation quite a bit. 

But Dirk was terrified. Every pale man with dirty blond hair that entered the store made Dirk’s heart skip a beat. A customer would ask him where to find something, and that tiny, anxious voice Dirk constantly tries to bury hisses out,  _ they’re going to find you.  _

Dirk was scared. He knew every moment he stayed with these people, he was putting them in danger. He’d wake up during the night, sobbing or silent, hating himself for it. 

Dirk wasn’t psychic. Hearing the universe laugh at him didn’t make him psychic. Being where the world took him, if it meant taking the world away from others, didn’t make him psychic. 

It made him a monster. 

_ I deserve to go back.  _

“Dirk?” He hears Tristan say, and Dirk blinks the voice away, looks to her. “Lock up for the night, okay? I brought too big of a lunch, so if you want, you can finish off my leftovers in the fridge. See you tomorrow.” 

Tristan’s too big of a lunch was no accident, he knew, and he smiled. “Okay. Bye, Tristan.” 

Dirk locks up, takes Sadie into the back room with him. He sleeps for perhaps three hours before the whispers sound like threats, and he holds Sadie like a lifeline, pets her until his thoughts are heard in his own voice again. 

Dirk gets up, grabs the salad that was conveniently left for him, and sits under the array of jackets and sweaters the thrift shop had to offer. 

He’s faintly aware of the distant sound of rain outside, but it sounds miles away.

 

“Have a nice day!” He dismisses, and the customer smiles, grabbing her bag and exiting the shop. 

There’s a rapping on the counter, and Dirk turns his head towards the sound to find Charles signing something his way. Dirk takes a moment, understands each sign separately and then in the sentence used, and sticks up a thumb and heads off to clean around the store. 

He’s getting a lot better at speaking ASL. It not easy to pick up, but he’d got lots of time on his hands, and between Charles and Martha teaching him he’s already gotten a fair bit of it down. 

Dirk likes learning a new language. Its nice to be able to talk to Charles, and both Charles and Martha seem more than happy to teach the language, enjoying themselves just as much as him. It’s important to him, that he be able to communicate with Charles. It reminds him that there are people worth making an effort for, worth communicating with. 

_ You killed the last people you found worth talking to,  _ Svlad says, and Dirk clenches his fists, fights off the guilt. He inspects the mess Charles had been referring to, then grabs a mop and begins to wipe it up. 

As he does this, a customer approaches him. The man has long, golden hair, and a scruffy beard that almost illuminates him. He’s wearing… armour? Dirk pauses in his mopping, stares at the man incredulously. 

“Hello,” Says the man, and Dirk is astounded by how rough his voice is, “tell me, of these two glorious options,” he pulls out two store listed shirts from behind his back, and Dirk blinks, “which one says  _ Midgard  _ just a slight more than the other?” 

Putting the mop back in the mop bucket, Dirk surveys the options. One shirt is bright pink with a fluffy kitten and no caption, while the other is olive green with black stripes. “Pink one,” he advised, nodding as he speaks to drive in his point, “assuming you’re talking about  _ earth _ , I mean. I like pink, and I’m from earth, so.” 

The man nods gratefully, wearing a big, toothy grin, then heads off to put the striped shirt away. Dirk watches him go, then finishes mopping. 

He forgets what he’d been thinking about before the man showed up. 

 

“Tell me, Child,” Says the golden haired man a day later, who returned to purchase a pair of pants, “If you were searching for a cat both dark in fur and personality, where do you suppose you may find it?” 

Dirk looked between the two pairs of pants he was holding up, pointed at the more favourable pair, and gave it some thought. 

“Well,” he starts, “I suppose that, should that be the case… part of me wants to say here, but another part of me wants to remind myself that I haven’t  _ seen  _ any cats in here. So.” 

The man nods, smiles, purchases the pants. He doesn’t leave, this time, instead wandering around the small aisles and looking around dartedly. He’s wearing the same pink shirt Dirk recommended the other day, and the pink admittedly worked for him. 

Tristan, before her lunch break, tells the man he must leave if he’s not going to buy anything else, and he heads off reluctantly. Dirk wants to point out how, around an hour later, he spots him outside the glace window, peering in for just a moment before disappearing again. 

He doesn’t, for whatever reason. 

Dirk wakes up quietly this time. This time, he sits up in his makeshift bed, wraps his arms around his legs, and thinks about nothing at all. He feels blank, used, wasted, and tremendously sorry. 

He thinks of Mona, of the gunshots he’d heard when he left the house.

He thinks of the breakout. He hopes the others got out. 

He thinks of the nice old couple that gave him the frilly pink shirt. 

His mind is empty. He’s too tired to think of anything at all. 

Sadie curls up next to him, whines until Dirk pets her. He thinks of his old dog, Plate. He supposes he’d miss Plate, but he can’t bring himself to miss a faded memory, which is what family has become to him. It hurts, to have nothing to miss and everything to regret. 

Mona was probably dead. She’s saved him, and he was so scared he left her. She was the only one who’d risked punishment to visit him, risked being caught time and time again just to talk to him.

He remembered times back in Blackwing where he’d look to the camera in the upper corner of his tiny, blank room. Most of the time, there’d be nothing but anger he’d feel for that camera, but there were times he’d look at it and see, just behind its vision, a butterfly. 

Sometimes it would sit on the camera and stare at him, and Dirk would want to cry for how beautiful it was. Other times it would turn into a smaller insect, crawl down the wall and meet Dirk under his blanket. 

They’d stay up talking until they were caught, or they’d fall asleep next to each other. She’d tell him about the messy haired project that stabbed a guard that morning and decidedly paid for it, and he’d try not to feel bad for her, knowing things like these would happen again, happened every day. 

Sometimes, they wouldn’t say anything. Those times were nice, were often. They’d just fall asleep easier. Once, she’d turned into a teddy bear and let Dirk hold it, but he’d fallen asleep holding it and both him and Mona had gotten caught and punished that night. 

Dirk rubs his eyes, gets up. He checks the fridge, grabs an apple, and heads out into the store, pushing down the thoughts with each bite. Sadie follows loyally, but almost instantly starts to bark and bursts into the shop. Dirk nearly drops his apple as he watches the little dog dart under the woman’s shirts. 

“Wh- Sadie!” he calls uselessly, and Sadie darts back out the other end chasing- is that a  _ cat?  _

How did a  _ cat  _ get in here? 

Dirk squealed, dropped his apple, and dove out of the way as the two animals chased each other around. The cat was  _ fast,  _ but Sadie was determined, and Dirk called to Sadie to stop, but the two kept going- eventually, he stopped and watched in shock, having no clue what to do in this situation. 

Sadie weaved through the mess clumsily, tripping over herself in pursuit, but the slick and lissom black cat dashed and leapt away from her. The cat jumped onto one of the clothes lines, balancing precariously and hissing, and Sadie slammed into it. The clothes under the cat gave way and both it and the cat fell from the line, and the chase started again. 

There was a knocking at the door. Dirk’s didn’t register it at first, still watching the animals incredulously, but it came again, louder this time. His head shot towards the noise, only to find it was the golden haired man from earlier. And he looked goddamn  _ ecstatic.  _

Dirk, against his better judgement, makes his way to the door and pulls out his keys he didn’t recall grabbing but figured he’d done out of instinct. He unlocks the door and the man literally jumps into the store in joy. 

“Brother!” He shouts, and the cat stops running, and Sadie crashes into it. The two go flying across the floor. 

“Sadie!” Dirk cries, running over to them, the tall, surprisingly muscular man right next to him. 

Dirk picks up Sadie, who yelps slightly at being lifted, and Dirk realizes her paw must be hurt. The man lifts his cat less gingerly, grabbing it under its chest with one hand and holding it away from himself, like he were scared the cat would attack him. Which seemed fair, of course, considering the cat was flailing about and hissing in his grip. 

“Is that  _ your  _ cat?” Dirk demands exasperatedly as the guy fails to calm the black cat in his grip. 

“This, dear Child, is my brother, Loki! He has performed a spell to turn him into a cat, as one does, but it backfired in the portal to Midgard and I had to come retrieve him. Your assistance has been much appreciated! I must be going now.” 

“Um,” Dirk starts, “I’m sorry, what did I do again?” 

The man smiles. He bellows out a deep chuckle. “If you hadn’t told me he was hiding in here, who knows how long it would take to find a man such as himself! Even as a cat, he can be  _ quite  _ the trickster.” 

“But…” Dirk frowns, readjusts his grip on Sadie, who was giving a death glare to the cat, “I’m sorry, I didn’t actually  _ know  _ that-” 

Blond Guy rolls his eyes good naturedly, as though he thought Dirk was just being modest and not utterly confounded at all. “Child, I am Thor, God of Thunder! I have been around many generations before you have and can recognize a true psychic when I see one.” 

Blood running cold, Dirk takes a step back. “You… are you one of t-them? Blackwing?” 

Blond Guy watches him, confused. “What? Child, I assure you I have no idea what that is. I am Thor!” 

Dirk, eyes narrowed, backs himself away a little more. “I’m not psychic. I’m not psychic, I’m, you’re, you  _ can’t  _ be Thor. Thor is a- a fictional god man, and you’re here, and-,” Dirk’s breath hitches, and he tries to calm himself. He takes a breath, looks the man over. “Look, whoever you are, I’m glad you found your cat. I think its a- a crime, though, for you to be in here, so. If you could leave? Please?” 

An almost sad look dawns in the man’s eyes, and even the cat had stopped struggling in his grip to watch him. Thor sighs, and his shoulders sag lightly as he looks somewhere behind Dirk. 

“Very well. I… apologize for the mess,” he gestures around the store, of which features two trampled clothes lines and a scattered shoe shelf, along with animal hair littered amongst each discarded article, “I appreciate your help, as well. May we meet again.” 

To Dirk’s surprise, the man bows a little. Dirk feels himself calm slightly, and he awkwardly nods in response. He puts Sadie down, and she walks off with a slight limp that faded with each step she took. Bending down, he picks up a fallen red sweater, shakes it off, and puts it back on its hook. Thor watches him with a small smile. Its sad, Dirk notices- it looks like an expression he’d seen on Christen after he’d been hit by his car, and it almost knocks the wind out of him again.  

_ “W-what?”  _

“What?” 

“You’re looking at me weird.” 

“I am? I apologize,” Thor is struggling to hold the cat down again, and he heads towards the door, but the cat hisses in his grip. “Loki, please, you are making a fool of yourself,” he grumbles as he goes, and Dirk sighs. 

“There’s a cat kennel just- just behind one of the shelves over there. If you’d like,” Dirk offers somewhat bitterly, and Thor turns. After a moment, he nods his head gratefully and heads in the direction pointed out. Dirk continues to pick up a fallen clothes line as the cat yowls ungratefully, and Thor returns with him locked in the kennel. 

“Thank you, fellow psychic! It’s so perfect you had this here, despite this being a small thrift shop! How perfectly convenient!” The man is all smiles, and Dirk clenches his fist, drops the line and reels on him. 

“Not psychic! I’m not psychic! I-I’m not…” He wraps his arms around himself lightly, closing his eyes. After a moment, he opens them, but they don’t leave the floor. “You should go, now,” he says with no emotion. 

“... Child,” Thor starts gently, and Dirk realizes he’s shaking. He blinks at himself, picks up the line again to hide it. “I do not know what has been done to you, or what Blackwing is. I am truly sorry, if you have been hurt over what you can do. But you should not be ashamed of it. It is who you are.” 

“You don’t have to pay for the kennel. I’ll cover it,” his voice is small. Thor is looking at him that way again, and Dirk puts the line back together without looking at him. He bends down to put a jacket back on the hook, and notices Thor has put the kennel down and picked up one as well. They quietly put the hook back together. Dirk notices Sadie glaring at the kennel at the floor, but she’s a safe distance away, as though it being locked up scared her more than it being free. 

Dirk nods to himself, suddenly feeling tired. “Are you just named Thor, or are you actually, like, the Thor from books and stuff?” 

Thor blinks, then laughs. He puffs out his chest slightly. “I am Thor, God of-” 

“Thunder, yes, right, I do vaguely recall. Isn’t Thor meant to be…” Dirk tries not to rude with his wording, tries a different way, “In the stories, Thor is a very handsome man, y’know? I read some when I was younger, they were very fun, and Thor was some rather dashing illustrations. And you. Don’t really look like him?” 

Loki, somewhere deep in his throat, made a noise Dirk didn’t know cats could make, and Thor looked devastated. “I beg your pardon?” The god demands, “Child, I-” 

“My name’s Dirk.” 

Thor huffs. “Dirk, when you are older, you will understand what dashing looks like.” 

Dirk smiles. Thor jokes around a little while more, explaining the situation with his cat being his brother, Loki, and why he had to come retrieve him. Dirk doesn’t believe him, but a part of him listens to every detail, memorizing as much as he can for reasons Dirk doesn’t understand. 

But he was nice, and despite the scratches Dirk could see had appeared on his arms from holding the cat, Thor stayed and talked with him until they were finished cleaning. 

Thor pays him for the kennel, anyway. Dirk wonders where he got the money. 

 

When Thor leaves with Loki, Dirk locks back up the store and sits against the door with Sadie, who’s paw doesn’t look too injured. He breathes deeply and peacefully, and falls asleep like this. 

Charles has to catch him so he doesn’t fall to the floor when he opens the store’s door in the morning. 

 

“Take care of yourself, kid. Okay?” 

Dirk nods, reagusts his backpack on himself. “Thanks, Tristan. You too, ya?” 

The woman nods, smiling. Martha ruffles his hair, and it knocks Dirk aside lightly. 

He’d decided, after another long night of gunfire and guilt, it was time for him to leave. His thoughts always morphed at night, revolving around  _ (my fault, my fault, my fault.)  _

He’d decided to leave. He wouldn’t let it be his fault again. 

Charles gives him a large hug, and Dirk blinks, shocked. He awkwardly wraps his arms around Charles after far too long of a moment. He hadn’t been hugged in years- he can’t recall the last time someone had just held him, full of love and not fear. Charles releases him, and Dirk pulls away with tears in his eyes. 

He realizes with a start just how much he will miss them all. 

Charles signs a goodbye at him, and he returns it with small but bright smile. He never got to say goodbye to Christen or Mary. Charles, Tristan and Martha- them, he could. This, he could do. 

He starts to go, then turns back again. Sadie is not at his side. She stays at Martha’s feet, watching him with her head lowered. “You coming, Sadie?” Dirk asks, and the dog looks up, eyes clouded, and does not move. After a moment, Dirk nods. 

“Ya. That’s alright, Sadie. Is, um. Is that okay?” He looks to the ladies, who look a little out of place at the idea. 

“Of course. Are you sure?” Tristan asks tentatively, and Dirk watches Sadie for a moment longer before returning to her. He kneels down and grabs Sadie, holds her close and kisses her on the head. The dog licks his cheeks, brushing away tears he hadn’t notice he’d shed. He smiles, looks up. 

“She’s happy here.” 

He leaves, alone, with eight months worth of minimum wage and no directions. 

The sun shines bright outside, and he thinks of Thor for a moment, pf what he’d told him. The universe was a part of him. It hurt him, and people around him, and it wouldn’t stop. But sometimes, it was just a presence at the back of his mind, an itch in his skin. Sometimes it was all he had. 

He decides to walk in whatever direction he steps first.

For once, Dirk leaves without running. He leaves, not really alone, and he smiles. 

**Author's Note:**

> Loki probably turned himself into a cat to fuck with Thor, and Thor, I imagined, literally throws him down to earth before recalling that he just threw his brother down to earth and realizing well, oh boy, that might not have been a good plan? Whoops?  
> Next chapter is gonna be,,, better !


End file.
